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The Crafty Dyke

'Cuz sometimes we like to do other things with our hands!

5/11/08 06:44 pm - Open Letter to Customers Who Are Ageist...

I look young. Wonderfuckingful, can I get you your cancer sticks? Oh, sorry, I have to see your id, you look like you just graduated - high school. Great, now ask me how young I am. (I'm twenty four, for crying out loud.) Just to fuck with your brain, I said I'm 18.

Don't stomp out in a huff just because I will not tell you I'm 12 or something. (And then, it's illegal for me to sell you these here cancer sticks.)

The Not-So Little Grocery Store Dronette...

PS - You - white male who got huffy that I didn't wish you a "Happy mother's day"! Please kindly go drown in a puddle of your own urine.

5/5/08 09:04 am - Gag Gift 101 - Paper Mache Penis

A gag gift that was refined in high school. These take a while to make, but are really worth it...they look pretty realistic and can probably be made into a pinata or something like that.

No in progress pictures, because this prop is pretty simple to make.

Materials
- paper towel
- newspaper
- toilet paper roll (empty)
- white glue
- hot glue gun/sticks
- a small weight (I used a bag of candy)
- modge podge or some other sealent
- paint & paint brushes
- mixing bowl

1) Crumple newspaper into three balls.

2A) Stuff some of the newsprint into the end of the paper tube.

2B) Use some hot glue to bead around the inside edges to keep the ball of newsprint inside.

3A) Glue the rest of the newsprint balls together. Use a little bit of hot glue, not much (or else you’d lose the seam).

3B) Use the hot glue gun to glue it to the base of the paper towel tube.

4) Mix up a thin batch of glue and water.

5) Tear some of the paper towel into two squares that will cover the scrotum.

6) Dip the paper towel until it is saturated into the glue mixture.

7) Cover the scrotum with the paper towel. Don’t worry about wrinkles, these will turn into interesting looking veins. Smooth the extra edges onto the shaft itself. If the piece of paper towel isn’t enough, dip another piece in to join it to the main body.

8) Make a foreskin in the same manner.

9) Cover the rest of the shaft and any parts you missed with wrinkly paper towel.

** (Make sure the paper towel is soaking wet in order to cover up any patterns that the paper mache penis has.)

10) Wait until it’s dry.

11) Mix up a batch of paint. Make sure it’s pretty damn watery, or you’d have a hell of a a time covering the veins. (I chose silver (base) with a light gold wash.)

12) Paint the whole thing. Wait until it dries.

Optional: Add a weight into the paper towel tube. Hot glue it in or otherwise risk rattling the shit out of your new toy.

13) Make another ball of to fit into the other end of the tube.

14) Glue it in using the same method as the first one.

15) Paint it again with your base coat.

Optional: Make a very watery batch of paint (I used acrylic paint diluted with h20). Paint over your base coat to highlight the ridges.

16) Have fun pranking people with it!

The finished Product

http://i262.photobucket.com/albums/ii117/oddballjill/IMG_0498.jpg

2/7/08 02:43 am - Happy Lunar New Year

Again with the celebrating...ooops...eating. This means that it's time to eat oneself into oblivion while ignoring the red pockets being handed out lately.

On the crafting front, I have a craft to show you...later. It's nsfw - unless you work at Hustler or Playboy.

Happy Lunar New Year!

10/24/06 09:57 am - Friendship as foreplay for lesbians...

Just met this wonderful gay gal on www.craigslist.org - she's down to Earth, a great listener, and a Yoga/Dance teacher. She reminds me of the first girl I fell in love (ummm...kay - lust...) with. Strong, passionate, and physically fit...and not out of the closet, yet.

What happens next?

Do we become friends with benefits or just friends? At what point does a lesbian say "screw it" and become friends? (Usually I find that it's nigh impossible to be "just friends" with other lesbian girls.)

I'm experienced, she is not. I'm afraid of scaring her away with my displays of horndogginess, as she is not active in the lesbian community. (I find sexuality and rallies to be too entwined in the gblt community; and thus, do not participate in it.) And I'm scared because I just came out of a long period of lesbian hiberation because of a string of really torpid bi-curious girls.

Ah...I feel my brain cells withering just thinking about my complicated lezzie life.

10/21/06 03:24 pm - Ten Things Some of My Exes Would Say

1) "Could you not drop crumbs in MY car?"

--> Keep in mind that I don't drive, and probably never will...and I never ask her for a ride, unless it is an emergency.

2) "Ewww...your turtle stinks or is slimy..."

--> Yes, my dear pet cat lover, I so LOVE picking your cat's furry crap off my sweater after kissing you! I didn't ask you to clean her tank, hey?

3) "Why aren't you more organized?"

--> I am organized...see! Pile of mail, pile of library books, pile of schoolwork, etc...etc...pile of pornography movies...ooops!

4) "Your taste in music sucks..."

--> Ummm...oriental classical music intermixed with pop rock?

5) "Why do you have decapitated teddy bear's head on your desk?"

--> It's a joke, get it?

6) "Wuss!"

--> Yeah, like I like getting whirled around at 120 miles per hour on a metal track!

7) "Is it my turn to clean the dildo?"

--> Self-explanatory...well, sometimes I'm too tired after making you cum to clean the damned dildo. Do it yourself, once or twice - dammit!

8) "Why don't you smoke some pot with me?"

--> No thank you. I prefer to be in complete control of my senses when I'm with you...

9) "Ugh! My hair looks like horseshit..."

--> Unless you are a Disney Princess or a museum show-piece, there are factors that negatively affect your hairstyle....like windy days, hats, and bicycling.

10) "What's your obssession with video games?"

--> Stress-release, sweetie! I'd hit the pause button and talk to you, but please don't stick your hand in front of my face to distract me!

10/20/06 01:31 pm - Change is bad, really bad!

Well. I haven't updated this journal in eternity, so I made a few changes. I will be reviewing adult novelties and foriegn products soon, and posting www.youtube.com videos on here.

Ciao...and keep on smiling!

4/25/06 07:10 pm - Never cook when tired.......

Or how not to make ginger and scallion infused oil...anyhow, after a marathon of watching all of the Star Wars Trilogies (the originals and the new movies) we decided to get some chinese bbq stuff. After purchasing it, we realised that the owner of the shop had not given us a decent amount of ginger and scallion infused oil. Cue me breaking out the pans....and oil. In tireness, I didn't realise that we only had canola oil in the pantry. I heated it up until it was smoking...and proceeded to pour it onto the grated ginger and chopped scallions...

I heard the flash of ignition, and suddenly I was staring at a pan full of flames. My roomates reaction was to "almost" pour water onto the mess. I placed the saucepan onto the floor, and raced to find a carton of baking soda. My partner was much smarter...she tossed a big bowl onto the flaming mess. It went out, but not without setting off the smoke detector.

Ugh...cooking is dangerous!

3/1/06 04:21 pm - Hell Version 2.0 - Now with Fish!

Dear Asshats at Bell Sympatico.

1) You will not give me five different stories on why my Internet connection isn't working. No, I know my connections aren't loosened, and no...I'm a user of five fucking years - I did activate my fucking account!

2) Five technical support calls later, I had my answer - you pulled out my line card at one of your offices. Don't take until a whole fucking month to reinstall it.

3) I'm female - treat me like I know what I'm doing. Ask questions like do you understand before treating me like a know-nothing!

PS - Was cleaning eel with boiling water and salt. I smell like fish...

Ugh...what a two months!

12/29/05 06:20 pm - Full fluid diet? Help please.

My mother has been admitted to the hospital for a nasty lingering bone infection in her leg. The doctors removed a chunk of bone, and left her in the hospital for a couple of days. Meanwhile, my mum is puking up her guts (her reaction to the nasty old painkiller) and doing an A button barrage on the morpheine iv.

The worst thing is that she's on a full fluid diet of ice cream, tea, soup and yoghurt and can't have anything solid...got any ideas? She loves asian cooking, hates pureed items....what do you guys suggest?

12/19/05 01:57 pm

This was sent to me by an old high school friend:

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Thank you, Asma for brighting up a dreary day!
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